I have a confession. I am 26, going on 27. I am a newlywed and I have BABY FEVER. My husband and I have talked about starting to try in the not too distant future now but the concept (is that even the right word in this scenario?) has been tossed around for a while now.
A little back story... not too long ago we had a scare in regards to me being able to conceive due to some pretty nasty and rapidly growing cysts I had on my ovaries. But God in all His mercy and grace provided us with a pretty costly and dire surgery for free. PRAISE THE LORD! Even though I am missing a wee bit of an ovary, the fertility specialists have assured me we should not have any trouble in the future just as long as I learn my body in case the cysts should start to dominate again. JOY OF JOYS. Ever since, I think we realized just how important it was to us both to have babies some day. The "some day" isn't so far off now, which leads me to my next point:
Last August I graduated with a bachelors in Liberal Studies. I pretty much chose that degree because, lets face it, I was SICK of undergrad (it only took me 6 YEARS) and I just wanted to be done so I could move on to my passion... ARCHITECTURE. Not long before graduation I spoke with my adviser about what I wanted to do for a career. Even though I had had enough of school for the time being, I knew I wasn't satisfied with my degree and I really wanted to go on for me, for Beau, and for the family we one day wanted to have. It was then that I learned about Iowa State's masters degree in architectural history. I couldn't believe my ears and I am almost certain I would have dove across her desk and squeezed the life out of her with the biggest hug I could muster (you know, the kind that comes straight up from your toes). It was at that time that she put me in touch with one of the professors over in the architecture department. I did my very best in the meeting and even dressed the part of a professional and I must say it went great. I left him with no doubt of my enthusiasm for the program and the passion I had for my area of study. Little did I know that he was the head of the department! He wanted me to get started right away and eventually paired me with my major professor who would be overseeing my thesis. After meeting with him, I was completely blown away. He told me he wanted me to seriously consider becoming a full fledged architect! I left the meeting feeling completely honored, blessed, and overwhelmed with joy. These were two architects who both graduated from highly respectable East Coast Ivy League schools, never had I felt so capable. I always wanted to be an architect, but I never had the faith in myself that I could actually do it. There was a catch...we lived in New York at the time, and I needed to be on campus. Ouch...
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| Beau and I on graduation day, two happy ISU alums! |
Now to how God is really working in my heart tonight... I have been reading this amazing book by Linda Evans Shepherd called: "When You Don't Know What To Pray: How To Talk To God About Anything" and it has really opened my heart to a great deal of things. For instance...I have wanted this my whole life and had suppressed it for so long because I just didn't think it was possible. But now, we are so deep in student loan debt that going back to school right now (especially grad school) is just not in the cards for me right now and if, IF, I were to go back, would I even be able to find a job in the Midwest? Would it be a complete and total waste of money? We have lived many places, but my husband and I are both Iowa kids through and through and couldn't imagine EVER living anywhere else any more so what now? And we want to start a family soon. I know there are thousands of women who balance school and work and kids everyday, but am I really willing to take that on always feeling like I always picked school over my family? And how on earth could I do that when my husband has worked so hard for us, would I ever be okay with leaving him with a youngun after he's had a long and grueling day at work? Don't get me wrong, I have the most amazing husband who pushed me and pushed me to finish school in the first place and who wants this for me just as much as I do, but I just don't know what to do. This is SUCH an answered prayer but I don't know what is right.
God is good. That is the GREATEST understatement the world will ever know. I know we're all in a financial bind but I read this evening in "WYDKWTP..." that "God will always provide for our needs, but He may not always provide our wants." Is getting my master's a need or is it a want?
Financially, well...thats a whole other can a worms, but I guess what the Lord has put so strongly on my heart is that material things are just that, THINGS, and I really need to revert back to a life based on simplicity and just be content with life right now. To not take His blessings for granted and just delight in Him and what I have and know that IF its in my future, than He will make it happen for me.
So with all this rambling I've been doing, I just want to say to all the 20 something ladies out there that don't know what the next step in life is, just sit quietly in the sunlight, close your eyes, and ask for the Lord to take over your heart. Ask for guidance and ask for peace. Because the Lord is with you always and He desperately wants some one on one time with you so He can show you just how deeply and unconditionally he loves you. Even though I feel as though I am at a stand still in life and don't know what to do next, I know He does and His path for me is sooooooooo much better than ANYTHING I could dream up for myself. He's pretty great that way!
In God's Love...
Kenz
Things I adore about you that you demonstrate in this post (just for starters):
ReplyDeleteYou can ramble like no one's business.
(It feels good to have a fellow rambler as my bestie!)
You think that if you tell someone the name of a book once, from then on out you can use the acronym of the name and they should know what you're talking about - even if it's months after you mentioned it to begin with.
♥
Tag! You're it!
ReplyDeleteHead over to http://jennajoybeck.blogspot.com/2012/03/eleven-things.html to see the post I tagged you in and pass it on. All you have to do is think of 11 random facts about yourself and answer a few questions so we can get to know you better!!
such a beautiful post. especially your last words of wisdom. and i am right there with you girl in the baby department. i've only been married for a little over 7 months but there are too many pregnant woman going around. it's making it too hard.
ReplyDeletehope everything happens for you just the way God intended :)
xo TJ
Thank you so much TJ and thank you for reading my blog. Welcome friend!
DeleteAs one of "those" women who is a mom already and who OFTEN feels the struggle between work and kids, I'm just gonna throw this out there: Being a good mom means taking care of yourself so that you can be a better person for those around you. It does not mean giving up your dreams so that you can be physically present in your home 24 hours every single day. I hear a lot of "woulda, coulda, shoulda" wishes from friends of mine who regret not following through on their dreams. Some of them even resent their children a little. Although I have to put in a lot of hours at work, I would like to think that one day my daughters will think, "Wow, my mom did a lot of work so that I could have a great life." and be proud of me for that. Quality time is much more important than quantity. Kenley tells me all the time that she wants to be "a mom and a doctor" when she grows up all the time. That's proof enough for me that I'm doing something right.
ReplyDeleteWhere's the "like" button? ;)
DeleteI agree with you, Jesse. If you're not happy with yourself and your career, then you're not going to be able to give 100% to your family.
I haven't been lucky enough to start growing our family yet, so I can see where you are coming from, Kenz, but do know that in order for you to give your all to Beau and your future family, YOU need to be happy and fulfilled. ♥
Thanks ladies. I really appreciate all your comments. We will have to see how the next year pans out! All my love...
DeleteAH HAH!!!! I figured out how to leave comments!! I love reading your blog, Kenz, I just hear your voice though every sentence you write. I miss you so much. I know that you have wanted architecture in your life ever since I knew you, and you've also wanted Beau and a family with him. You have a long life ahead of you. I think that when you do bring a little baby into this world, you'll know for sure if the architecture thing is something you still really want to do (someday) or if being a full-fledged mommy will make you completely happy. You already have a very devoted and supportive husband, so no matter what decision you make, I know that you won't be alone.
ReplyDelete